Bryan’s Ramblings

This entry picks up where my last one left off. This is real continuity folks. It’s a new concept for me. I wrote, “I’m trying to stay positive (and clearly failing miserably).” Well, guess what? So far, I’ve been successful.

I have a lot of reasons to be upset, worried, stressed, and generally negative. Usually, this time of year, I don’t even need any reasons to be that way…I just am based on years past and my general feelings towards the “wintertime”. Except, for whatever reason, last week, I finally woke up on the right side of the bed – and I do mean the correct side. Things that should be stressing me out aren’t really. Things that used to annoy me just make me chuckle to myself. Things that I normally worry about have me feeling carefree. I really don’t know how long this can last, but I sure hope it doesn’t go away. I could really get used to it.

Don’t get me wrong. My pessimistic/pragmatistic personality is still in play. I’m not all of the sudden wonderfully jolly with no sarcastic tendencies. There is indeed a decent amount of that around. However, it’s with a much more playful and quite a bit less of a cynical nature than it seems to have been before. At least, that’s my impression. This is new territory for me.

I think despite my apparent “negative” attitude and more cynical view of the world, I always sort of talked the carefree talk. Sure, I had moments where you could see right through me, but I mostly tried to maintain that cool confident air. Now, I feel like I’m actually walking the carefree walk, too. I’m really starting to practice what I preach. I’m listening to my valedictorian speech. I’m trying to act 25, not just be 25.

Maybe it’s my coming age increase that triggered this event. Maybe it’s my upcoming job shift. It could be the influence of my loved ones or the pressure I’ve always put on myself finally tipping me over. It’s probably a combination of all these things coming together at just the right time. Whatever it is, I’m in a really good place right now and that’s rare for me during the fourth quarter of any year.

The last couple of months always seem to bring a rediscovery of something – friends, family, feelings, faults (I wasn’t even going for the alliteration there). This year, I’ve rediscovered all those things, just like normal, but the twist for 2006 is that I’m enjoying it. I’m through dwelling on the past but I’m also done running from it. “This winter will be different. This year is good.” I’m not kidding.

Cold weather still sucks though.

What is it about this time of year that I hate so much? Every year, right around October and through January I become even more cynical than my usual self and turn into a whining, complaining, annoying ass hole. For me, there is so much tension and stress around this time of year, and while some of it is of course self-inflicted, it seems like the whole world (or at least this great country of ours) tries to cram a ton of big events into three short months: Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanzaa, New Year’s, my birthday. That’s not even mentioning all the businesses that have to get projects done and goals met by the end of the year. Throw in that the weather starts to suck and people start to go crazy…all of this contributing to my loss of a happy-go-lucky demeanor for a few months.

Most of the really bad events that have happened to me during the short course of my life to date seem to happen right around this time of year – towards the end. Sicknesses and deaths, breakups and meltdowns, they all seem to occur during the Fall and Winter months. While it’s true that I’m focusing on the negatives and there are plenty of positives that have happened during this time as well, it always seems like they get trumped by some major downer that happens right at the cusp of a new year. I’m afraid to guess what it could be this year. I’m sure I’m over-reacting though.

Worst of all, this is the time of year when I get to be the most self-reflective and over-analytic. I truly get close to psychotic just before my birthday happens. I’m turning 25 in three weeks. Why does 24 seem young and 25 seem old? Aren’t I supposed to have more shit figured out by now? Anyway, I’m just trying to get through the next few months and coast into 2007 without too much damage done. I guess keeping myself busy is the way to do it, but it sure seems to be adding more stress to an already stressful time of year.

I’m trying to stay positive (and clearly failing miserably). I’m trying to think “Hey, this winter will be different. This year is good,” but really, who am I kidding? Cold weather sucks.