These fires seem to have come at a weird time. It’s strange how certain events can trigger random thoughts and emotions that have virtually nothing to do with what triggered them. I like lists, and for me, things very often come in threes. I have three things on my mind right now:
- Time. I have a problem with time. I don’t like it. There’s never enough of it. It doesn’t move fast enough but it never fucking stops. It drags when you want it to go by, and it flies when you want it to last. It’s different depending on where you are. It requires tons of management and planning. It’s an incredibly huge burden.Time is a resource. It’s limited. Like any other resource, we have to be careful with our time and try not to waste it. We conserve water, energy, gas – why not time? We waste time. We waste a ton of time. Don’t we? Of course, you can’t always consider “using” time to be “wasting” time. That’s true of any resource though. We never “waste” water – we just “use” it when we need to. We do the same with time. We use it at night to sleep, and we use it during the day to work. But also like any resource, we’re always trying to find ways to use it more efficiently. We invent more efficient cars, more efficient toilets, more efficient appliances, and we are always trying to find more efficient uses of our time. Our teachers and parents always tell us to anyway. Time is all over the place. Count the number of times you look at a clock in a single day. You’ll be surprised how concerned with time you are. You always hear expressions like “We have all the time in the world” or “I’m just taking my sweet time” or “Time flies when you’re having fun” or “What time should I meet you there?” or “It’s time to go home.” Time itself takes up quite a bit of our time. What is time anyway? It’s just the Earth moving around the Sun. Right? Yes…but it’s so much more than that. It’s the enemy of every single human being on the planet. It’s our biggest nemesis as we all race against the clock to beat it. The problem is, though, that time always wins. It always fucking wins. It’s impossible to beat because it’s so consistent. Sure, we try to mess with it sometimes. We flip the clock back an hour or forward an hour every so often. It doesn’t matter though. Time is still time and it will still go on and on like the Energizer bunny until the Universe implodes and there is nothing left. There’s nothing we can do but keep plugging away and fighting this forever losing battle until our inevitable demise. It’s sad really. Still, maybe one day we will find a way to beat time. It doesn’t seem likely, but it’s that small hope that keeps us all going I guess. I will continue to try to manage my time, use it more efficiently, and consantly try to beat it until I either die or invent the Flux Capacitor.
- Comfort. I’m not sure I always know what makes me comfortable. I mean, I know specific things that make me comfortable: my parent’s house, my room, my bed, my car. I know certain people who always make me comfortable: my mom, my dad, my sister, my best friend, my girlfriend. My problem is, in the absence of those things, I am unsure of what else I can use to fulfill my need for comfort. I’m not talking about those uncomfortable situations like an airplane or a public bathroom where there is nothing you can do but grit your teeth and bear it until it’s over. I’m talking about those middle-ground, in-between places like a workplace, a party, or someone else’s space. In fact I’m talking specifically about those three situations. I mean I’m not really UNcomfortable in those places, I’m just not really comfortable either…particularly for long periods of time. I’d always rather be in one of those aforementioned places like my mom’s house or my bed. The place is what’s most important I think. Even if I’m with a friend or family member somewhere “outside my comfort zone”, it only serves to ease my discomfort, not really cure it.Comfort is more a feeling or a sense than something concrete. That’s the root of the problem. It’s impossible to definitively define and thus extremely difficult to explain. For me, it’s not the discomfort that is disconcerting, but rather the fact that I’m never sure how to fix it. Do I really not know my own needs well enough to know how to comfort myself? That’s a scary thought.
- Insignificance. There’s something like six and a half billion people in the world. So each one of us makes up about 0.0000000154% of the world. Do you think anybody really fucking cares about what you ate for lunch or whether or not you’re having a bad hair day. Let me tell you, the majority of the world doesn’t. I mean they don’t even know you. Think about it. How many people do you know? In your wildest dreams you could never even know 1% of the people in the world, let alone the U.S. or the state of California, or even the city of Los Angeles. Even if you loosely define “know” to mean “indirectly interact with” you couldn’t meet this percentage. So think about that the next time you get mad at someone, or feel hungry, or miss a deadline, or fail at something. It’s really not that big of deal after all. Right?
So my therapy for tonight has come to a close. I think the only thing left to help cure my mawkish state is to get some sleep.