Category Archives: Planning

Ask The Yentas: Edition #2 – The Chair Scare

Posted on October 6, 2010 by Alison in Ask The Yentas, Inside Scoop, Jewish Traditions, Planning

The Chair Scare: The feeling of butterflies about going up in a chair a handful of feet above the ground while holding onto a napkin, grinning with clenched teeth through the tight corset of the wedding dress during a series of bounces and hollers from the crowd.

Sound fun?

It doesn’t have to be scary. The tradition of going up in the chair is a festive and fun part of the reception’s Hora dance and we’ve received questions about how to get over the fear of this custom.

Dear Yentas,
My wedding is around the corner, and everyone tells me that the fun part is the reception where my soon-to-be husband and I will go up in the chair. I’m afraid of heights. I hate roller coasters. What if I drop the napkin? What if I fall off the chair? I don’t want to break any rules, and I’d like to get over my fear, but maybe I can just avoid it altogether. What do you think?
Thanks,
Elise
Tampa, Florida

Elise, and all others who are feeling under the weather with The Chair Scare,
This is supposed to be a fun tradition and definitely not something that causes you stress. First, make sure that your venue or wedding coordinator set aside two arm chairs for you. There should be two chairs with arms. Make sure the chairs have arms. You should use arm chairs. Is the point clear? This gives you something to hold on to and provides your body with boundaries as you become (lightly) jostled around.

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Also, there are no rules! Just hop in the chair, hold on, and enjoy the ride. Someone will probably toss you a napkin to hold with your new partner and if you drop it through all the excitement – meh! – so what! The napkin isn’t a Torah; it’s okay if it falls. Many couples do and they lived happily ever after.

Before you plop down on the chair, remember to do a quick smooth-out on the tushie part of your dress. That way, if you have any beading or details on your dress, you won’t be uncomfortable from getting them lodged in nooks and crannies when you sit on them. The more comfortable you are, the more you can relax, and the less afraid you’ll be. See? It all comes full circle.

If you’re wearing a short dress or a tea length dress, cross your legs at the ankles. You are a married woman for goodness sake! You don’t want all those eligible bachelors to get a free show! Be a lady and make sure the tops of your feet touch each other.

You don’t have to stop eating for 2 weeks before the wedding. Give some strong men a heads up about the chair lift portion of the Hora and they’ll carry you like you’re Tinkerbell. Do not be afraid of being dropped. With four legs on the chair and at least one man per leg, it’ll be easily for the strong men to balance you. Perhaps in the days leading up to the wedding, call some of the men you’d like to be your chair lifters and give them advance warning that they’ll have this duty at your reception. That way, you can relax knowing that this very important task is handled and you don’t have to worry about it during your ketubah signing, aisle walk, circles, wine blessings, photos, and shmoozing that all take place during the Wedding Olympics.

Remember, the Hora is a joyous and happy part of the wedding reception. So as you are six feet off the ground and literally high on life, look at your husband who is up there with you and know that together you’re on top of the world. Then, look down, and enjoy all of your favorite people singing and clapping and loving you right back.

Love,
Alison & Nicky
The Wedding Yentas

Hebrew School for Groomsmen

Posted on October 4, 2010 by Alison in Inside Scoop, Planning

The Wedding Yentas are happy to have Brian Becker guest-blog today! Brian, who is not Jewish and more of a practicing Nothingish, has been the Best Man in a Jewish wedding and brings his expert opinion to the Yentas family of readers. Here he explains what every Jewish bride and groom should tell their non-Jewish wedding party.

I am not a Jewish Bride. I’m not even Jewish. But having been the Best Man, I do have an important piece of advice for anyone getting ready to tie the knot – a little list I like to call “Things to Tell Your Gentile Groomsmen.”

Look, men are already at a disadvantage because…well…we don’t know about weddings. And unlike bridesmaids who are let in on every little detail, for the most part, nobody tells us anything. So imagine how confusing it can be to be the goyim in the wedding party when the more traditional customs start to unfold. For example…

Yarmulkes. We’ve probably never worn one. In fact, I just had to look up how to spell it. On top of that, we’re expected to fasten it with another foreign piece of hardware: a bobby pin. In my case, the groomsmen did such an abysmal job that the bridesmaids had to do emergency readjustments just seconds before we escorted them down the aisle. So please, do everyone a favor and offer a little kippah 101 in advance.

Rings. As the Best Man, I was the nearest person with pockets at any given moment. That meant that I was constantly being handed more things to carry. In fact, I ended up carrying three ring boxes (one for the groom, one for the bride and one plain, unornamented ring for the bride to use during the ceremony). Add to that other last-minute cargo like vows and tissues, and the groomsmen can start to feel like we’re wearing saddle bags. Do your best to think through who will schlep around your wedding day accessories – and give that person a heads up!

The Hora. Think for a second what it must be like to witness a giant whirlpool form on the dance floor just moments before someone grabs your hand and pulls you into the vortex. Speaking for the “non-chosen people,” we do not see that one coming. What’s more, we’re expected to hoist the groom up on a chair and carry him around for several minutes. This is a great moment, and a lot of fun. Just make sure you prep your bridal party that some heavy lifting may be required.

The Ceremony. If you’re incorporating Jewish traditions into your wedding, it’s a nice idea to explain them in advance. Otherwise, while you’re circling your husband seven times, your groomsmen may be scratching their heads. If you fill the bridal party in on the significance of the customs featured in your ceremony, they’ll be able to share the moment with the rest of your guests, instead of wondering what’s going on.

Take it from a Jewish wedding survivor: A little orientation can go a long way. Make a point to share some your wedding customs with the gentile-men in your bridal party, and you’ll help ensure that every one is relaxed and happy on your special day. Good luck…and l’chaim!

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Brian Becker is a freelance writer and editor, and most importantly, a Best Man extraordinaire. He lives in the Los Angeles area and enjoys a good Captain and Coke, an Aaron Sorkin flick, and a round of trivia.

Jewish Wedding: Cantor vs. Rabbi

Posted on September 22, 2010 by Alison in Inside Scoop, Jewish Traditions, Planning

Did you know that a Jewish wedding ceremony does not require a rabbi or a cantor? Yes, we’re serious! Despite common belief, you and your betrothed can still exchange, stomp, and kiss without a member of Jewish clergy present. Jewish tradition says that a member of clergy does not marry the bride and groom; they marry each other.

By Jewish law, all that’s required to make a marriage official is a ketubah and a couple of witnesses. A Jewishly knowledgeable person who steers the wedding rituals can “officiate” the chuppah ceremony and oversee the ketubah ceremony. Also according to Jewish law, you need two kosher witnesses, who, depending on your Jewish affiliation, can be either men or women, related or not to the bride and groom, and varying degrees of Jewish observance including the laws of kashrut (eating and keeping kosher). If you have a family rabbi, this would be something to clarify before the wedding day to make sure you’re following correct laws and traditions. As long as your ceremony officiant is ordained by your state, he or she can guide the ceremony for it to count Jewishly and civilly. The ceremony, if it is religious-based, simply requires a license that is filed with the secular authorities (your state) and it ends up fulfilling both secular and Jewish law.

Some couples choose to have a friend officiate the ceremony, but rabbinical student, Aderet Okon Drucker, stresses that it is important for a couple that is getting married within the “Conservative Jewish,” “Reconstructionist Jewish,” “Renewal Jewish,” “Reform Jewish,” or any other movement of traditions run their plans for the ceremony with a rabbi they trust. “There are some things that are required for a wedding to be considered ‘kosher’ and if a couple is going through all of the trouble of getting the day to be perfect, they should do the same for their ceremony,” she says. “so they feel the integrity of the ceremony and don’t need to worry about anything.”

But what if you do want an official member of Jewish clergy to perform your wedding ceremony? You have some options. You can decide if you’d like to hire a rabbi, cantor, or both!

According to Drucker, depending on the person, their training, and the movement, a rabbi and a cantor can have similar roles in a Jewish wedding. “I am a rabbinical student who enjoys singing,” she said. “When I did Dana and Mark’s wedding [above], I chanted all of the blessings and spoke under the chuppah. Rabbis [in the conservative movement] are trained to recite the blessings with the traditional melodies.”

You may luck out with a rabbi who can carry a tune, and while that’s awesome, you can’t start asking Randy, Paula, and Simon (or whoever their replacements are these days) to join you at Rabbi Idol auditions. So if you happen to know that your rabbi sings, you could probably stop there. Rabbis may chant blessings regardless of their singing talents. Just because a rabbi chants doesn’t mean they are ready for a Vegas lounge. Upholding the integrity and tradition of the chants is any rabbi’s first priority. A rabbi can still officiate your wedding even if he or she can’t sing. If it’s important to you to include music beyond the regular chants in your ceremony, you may want to hire a cantor as an addition to your rabbi. Or, the cantor can gig the wedding alone.

According to Cantor Debbi Ballard of My Personal Cantor, “a rabbi and a cantor are equally qualified under civil law and religious law to perform weddings.” So while cantors can absolutely perform weddings by themselves, they can also definitely sing. That is, by nature, a cantor’s job. If there’s a Jewish song that’s meaningful to you and your betrothed, you could have your cantor sing it. Or, if you’d just like a level of musicality included in the regular wedding ceremony blessings, a cantor would be a good choice.

Cantor Debbi reminds couples, “You are publicly stating your commitment to each other, and you want someone who will capture the essence of your union as a couple, and share it with your family and guests.”

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So remember, for your marriage to be considered official among the members of the tribe, you don’t need a member of clergy. But for your marriage to be recognized by the state, you do. It does not have to be a rabbi or a cantor; this clergy member can be a justice of the peace of a friend or a father or a sister, as long as they become ordained through the state as a secular clergy member. If you do want an official Jewish presence under the chuppah, you can choose to have a rabbi, a cantor, or both! One is not more official than the other. Both autographs make your ketubah valid and consider you to be married. It’s up to you and your personal and religious preference, and we wish you a hearty mazel tov for whatever it is you choose.

The Wedding Yentas is looking for in-house rabbi and cantor friends. If you would like more information about being featured with The Wedding Yentas, please send us an email at: info@theweddingyentas.com — we would be honored to have you join our mispucha that’s full of ruach!
For wedding officiating and consulting, you can contact Aderet Okon Drucker at aderetokondrucker@gmail.com
If you are looking for a cantor for a traditional, at-home, destination, or interfaith wedding, contact Cantor Debbi on her website.

L’Chaim to the Heights

Posted on September 20, 2010 by Alison in Inside Scoop, Jewish Traditions, Planning

Most people know that there are two things I couldn’t love any more than I already do: Broadway musicals and wedding toasts. Both are performances, craving acceptance and still oozing with pride. A moving instrumental overture that precedes the first bit of action of a Broadway show has the same effect on me as a father of the bride who is so tearfully happy on his daughter’s wedding day as he welcomes the room with champagne in hand. Likewise, comedy bits in funny musicals make me literally LOL the way I’ve caught myself howling with laughter during a best man’s speech, filled with anecdotes he may regret sharing the next day. A wedding and a Broadway musical are not dissimilar: they both cost a lot of money, they both require a team of people to pull it off, and they both include a leading man and leading lady to make the whole thing worth seeing.

So, what happens when a Broadway star includes a Broadway musical into his wedding day as a surprise to his new wife?

Check out my new favorite video that had me laughing and crying, going down as one of the best “speeches” in wedding history. The creative, rapping genius behind Broadway’s smash hit “In the Heights” tipped his hat to “Fiddler on the Roof” and arranged a toast like I’ve never seen that left me with the biggest smile on my face. To you, Lin-Manuel Miranda, I say “L’chaim!” and “Bravo!” and “Mazel tov!”

Real Honeymoons | Wailea + Kauai, HI

Posted on September 16, 2010 by Alison in Featured, Inside Scoop, Planning

Hawaii is one of the ultimate honeymoon spots. We love it because it’s easy for traveling since it’s a domestic location, but it’s easy to forget sometimes, as you could feel like you’re in your own little world, far removed from anything resembling reality.

If you’re aching for some Aloha spirit after you tie the knot, follow this travel guide from Yenta Alison’s honeymoon to the islands of Maui and Kauai.

The Wailea Marriott was recently renovated and in pristine condition. The rooms are spacious, clean, and filled with the new and fashionable furnishings. There’s nothing like sleeping with the window open and being lulled to sleep by the rocking and rolling waves that are just a few yards away from the balcony. The hotel provides many pools for relaxation, but nothing takes you to your happy place more than the infinity pool, equipped with posh cabanas, gorgeous views, and a very friendly staff that wants nothing more than to fill you up with drinks and grub. With no wedding dress to fit into anymore, this is a good thing! When inside the pool, there’s confusion about where the pool water stops and where the ocean tides begin because of the way it’s designed, it appears that the pool and ocean are one. This cool illusion is perfect for relaxing and romance. Oh, and it’s adults-only!

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There’s a great walking path in Wailea that lines up with all of the resorts. A morning walk or a sunset stroll will provide you with fresh air and beautiful sights. It’s fun to exit the paths and check out the hotels along the way. Make sure to also check out the Grand Wailea, The Four Seasons, and the Fairmont Kea Lani. All of these properties along this walk are magnificent and can provide you with dinner options during your stay on the Wailea side of the island.

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Like what you see below? This could be your final destination if you choose to brave the Road to Hana. This famous, windy drive takes you to some of the most beautiful parts of Maui where you can trek through lush jungles, swim through waterfalls and pools, enjoy fresh fruit off the side of the road, and take in postcard views. This day-long drive takes you to a surreal black sand beach with awesome rock formations and the bluest water. Driving the Road to Hana is a fun adventure that has many great photo moments.

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Island hop! Check out another one of Hawaii’s treasures. Maui has a little more action, but if you want an even more laid-back, tropical experience, visit the island of Kauai. This is the giant pool at the Kauai Marriott in Lihue. Lounge chairs and towels galore give the guests a pleasant experience. The unique scalloped pool, known as one of the biggest in the state of Hawaii, is family-friendly, so if you’d like to experience both kinds of vacations, that’s why we suggest island hopping. Think of it as a Hawaii buffet: you get a little bit of everything.

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Also, it’s always a good idea to check out the local food. We love living like the locals and eating at family establishments. Sometimes the little shacks on the side of the road will serve you the most delicious food, like Shrimp Station, which is off of Kaumualii Highway in Waimea. For something cool and refreshing, you can’t go wrong with shave ice! Amateurs will not only call it shaved ice (no past-tense “ed”), but they will also classify this treat as a snow cone. It. Is. Not. I don’t know why it’s not, but it just isn’t. Shave ice is very fine granules of ice that are flavored with delicious syrups that usually taste like their real, inspired food. For example, watermelon tastes like watermelon and passion fruit really is passion fruit. Some people like to put ice cream at the bottom of their shave ice. There are many places on the mainland that try to imitate Kauai shave ice, but it’s no contest. Some favorite shave ice spots are Koloa Shave Ice or Shave Ice Paradise in Hanalei.

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Do something adventurous that would be unique to your location! Take a helicopter ride over the beautiful mountain ranges, cliffs, and jungles of the Garden Isle. Even though you sign your life away prior to taking flight, it’s not at all scary and you get, literally, a bird’s eye view of the whole island. You can appreciate Kauai’s beauty even more when you see parts that can only be accessed by foot or boat. Because Kauai is one of the rainiest spots on Earth, the island is filled with lush jungle areas that can’t be seen via car or main roads. There’s nothing cooler than zipping around and getting up close and personal inside — yes, inside — an inactive volcano. Oh, and for all of you movie buffs, you get to see the famous Jurassic Park waterfall.

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Check out Spouting Horn. It’s a giant blow hole that’s one of those natural miracles. Every few seconds, with the waves, a big spray of water will come up and out of a hole in the beached rocks with mighty force. Okay, I’m not really selling it, but trust me. It’s a cool 15 minutes to spend time and see what it’s going to do.

And if you’re in the mood for beautiful views and a nice drive to match, you should definitely visit Kilauea Lighthouse. It’s a picturesque landmark and a great place to get the giggles with your newlywed; the area is filled with birds called boobies. I’ll leave it at that. What?! Okay, so I have a 5th grade sense of humor. It’s funny.

Speaking of birds, everywhere you go on Kauai there are roosters! They are friendly…ish. By that I mean, they are used to humans and won’t necessarily attack, but they’re not exactly giving out hugs and handshakes either. On Kauai, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” is a serious question and not the lead up to a joke. They are in shopping center parking lots, national park sites, and on the sides of the road. It’s not everywhere you can see a hibiscus bush and a rooster inches from each other.

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Go to a luau! It may be cliche, but so what! Most hotels have them once or twice a week and it will cost you additional money, but it’s dinner and a cultural show so that seems to justify the extra dollar amount. And it’s not even that these luaus feed you the best dinner of your life. But it’s kind of like going to Italy and not trying the pasta. You get a lei and a mai tai. Fun times.

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Also, take a surf lesson! If you’re going to learn how to surf, can’t beat the Hawaiian beaches as your classroom. There are private and group lessons and surf school tuition varies. We attended Kauai Surf School and had a great time. It’s safe and comfortable… until the next day when you feel like your arms are going to fall off. Standing up on the board is a feel-good accomplishment and being one with the ocean is, like, totally awesome, dude. Plus, taking goofy pictures in your rash guard is worth the salt water in your eyes.

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And if all you want to do is relax and turn off the world, by all means, go find a hammock and indulge. Mazel tov and aloha!

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