Category Archives: Tales from the Veil

From The Expert: Create Your OWN Interfaith Wedding

Posted on March 5, 2012 by Alison in From the Expert, Tales from the Veil

Daniel Sroka is the artist and owner of Modern Ketubah. He creates modern fine art wedding ketubahs from his abstract photographs of flowers and leaves for interfaith, Jewish, and multi-cultural couples. The first ketubah he ever made was for his own wedding. He and his then-fiance, Cara, wanted to make sure they loved the artwork to proudly hang it in their home, and they also wanted to be sure that the text and symbolism was meaningful, especially as an interfaith couple. They decided that his fine art photography would be the ideal style to express their marriage, as many other ketubahs they saw while shopping were adorned with Jewish symbols, and did not match their taste or represent them equally. Since then, Daniel has successfully built a ketubah business that honors individual style and spirituality.

Interfaith weddings can be the most beautiful of wedding ceremonies. Of course, being in an interfaith marriage myself, I may be biased! But when interfaith weddings combine the traditions and practices of both the bride and groom, I find that they become something special, transcending rote ceremony and becoming a uniquely personal celebration.

The way an interfaith ceremony gets created is the key to its beauty. Couples who are from the same religion can pretty much take their ceremony for granted. They can visit their priest or rabbi, get the template, make a few tweets, and know they’ll have a 100% legit ceremony. Interfaith couples, on the other hand, don’t have this luxury. They have to creatively blend together the different parts of their traditions to craft a working ceremony.

The challenge of creating a ceremony often makes interfaith couples nervous and full of questions. How do you do it? How do you make it feel “real” enough? Will any of the relatives feel left out? But even though these questions can be nerve-wracking, they are the foundation of what makes an interfaith ceremony so special. Because interfaith couples can’t just take an off-the-shelf ceremony and call it a day, they need to think through every aspect of their wedding, considering every detail. This, I believe, results in a very meaningful and powerful ceremony.

Artist Daniel Sroka and his bride with their interfaith ketubah he created.

In order to combine two different wedding ceremonies, interfaith couples have to review all of the practices within their religions’ ceremonies, and decide what to keep, what to change, and what to leave out. To do this, they first need to help each other learn, teaching each other about their religion’s traditions, symbols, and ideas about marriage. As my wife and I planned our own ceremony, we didn’t just learn about each other’s religion – we rediscovered our own, often surprising ourselves with what really mattered to us and what didn’t. We then went through each wedding tradition, discussed it, and decided if we wanted to include it in our ceremony, and how. Each part of our wedding was therefore a conscious choice. Each part of our wedding was born out of a deep discussion, and reflected a shared value.

The creation of the ceremony helped teach us how to discuss our differences, and find our similarities. Explaining the ceremony to our families helped us better understand our decisions and values. Even the experience of being a part of this blended, shared ceremony helped bring our families closer together. So while creating an interfaith wedding ceremony can take a lot of thought and planning, I believe it is worth it because your wedding becomes a celebration that truly represents who you are.

Left: The Srokas' ketubah and unity candle. Right: One of Sroka's ketubahs called African Lily

Tales from the Veil: Bridezilla Bonanza

Posted on February 27, 2012 by Alison in Tales from the Veil

Another “Tales from the Veil” story is brought to us by Rachel Kitt who is the Executive Assistant at the Jewish Federation of San Diego County. She loves to run competitively and for pleasure, bake gluten-free sweets, and hang out with her hubby, a San Diego attorney. After eloping to the island of Oahu in December of 2007, Rachel finds herself looking back on her Jewish destination wedding adventure and laughing out loud. Her story will show you how any bride can take wedding disasters and turn them into wedded bliss. Lemons into lemonade. Grapes into Manischewitz. We’ll be hearing more from Rachel as a regular contributor to The Wedding Yentas.

Bridezilla Moment: Every bride has one. Or two.

Let’s be honest, we have all watched those reality TV shows where the bride is a total bridezilla (or worse, the mom is a momzilla!) and while it makes for fantastic ratings, there’s no reason to be that girl in real life. Your moment, your end-all, be-all moment will happen at some point. Your vision will clash with reality. But pick your moment. Pick that moment when someone disagrees with you or when something doesn’t make you happy or doesn’t go according to plan. This is your day. This is the time to put on that tiara that says Princess and MVP and go for it. Get what you want.

What’s that you say? How will I know my moment? Oh, girlfriend, you’ll know. You will know because the juice will be worth the squeeze.

I probably should start by explaining that my hubby and I were only engaged for three months. No no, we were not prego (but thank you to every aunt and girlfriend who asked!). After six years of dating, two years living together, and only a month of wedding planning, I realized that while I wanted the big white poofy dress, I didn’t want the rest of the hoopla. I just wanted to marry my best friend, and I didn’t need the big venue or 200 people. So to make a long story short, after getting engaged in September, we decided in November to get married during our Hawaiian family vacation a month later in December. So the truth is, I had three weeks to plan my wedding in a different state, an entire ocean away.

Clearly, I had a lot to figure out and a lot of opportunities to be a bridezilla. Instead I was flexible, even calm, cool and collected (don’t ask the hubby though). I like to give myself a pat on the back every time I think back to how well I rolled with the punches. Flowers were easy. I just asked for local, pretty pink ones. The cake was easy. I just asked for their most popular type and emailed a photo of a three-tier decorated cake with a design I liked. Food was easy. Every person was going to have surf and turf: mahi-mahi and steak. Drinks were easy. Open bar!

But not everything was perfect and I couldn’t be flexible about everything. I found my bridezilla moment, my “Oh no you didn’t!” three days before the wedding. It was a beautiful eruv Christmas day actually (we Jewish girls remember these things; plus it’s essential to the story). The location of our ceremony at the hotel had to change. Originally the plan was to say “I do” outside with the Pacific Ocean as our backdrop. I mean, we were getting married in Hawaii and what’s a Hawaiian wedding without a beach view? Well, while an ocean view seemed ideal, the Speedo-clad man bending over on the public beach was not. As the wedding coordinator introduced us to the spot where we’d start our lives together as husband and wife, I was distracted. I had visions of the old man and his tush in the background of my wedding photos and that would just not do.

The wedding coordinator said it was a public beach and nothing could be done. My beautiful and quintessential Hawaiian ocean view had the chance of coming with an old man and his Speedo tushie. I thought about it. I could not take the risk. It did not make me happy. So the ocean front location had to go.

Of course I made this decision on Christmas Day, just two days before my December 27th wedding and of course, the wedding coordinator wasn’t working that day. I can’t say that I would expect any person who celebrates Christmas to be working, but with a wedding 48 hours later, she couldn’t pick up her cell phone? Once? She was nowhere to be found, and my patience was at an all time low. My nightmare was about to turn me into a nightmare bride.

What’s a JAP (Jewish American Princess) bride to do? Bridezilla out. My fiancé and I waited two hours to talk to the other on-site wedding coordinator and demanded the site be moved. During our wait I did the following: left a few not-nice voicemails for our wedding coordinator, put my hand in my mother’s face and told her, “I will take care of this! You go enjoy the beach!” (I’m so lucky she still loves me and I think forgives me), and got really, really red in the face. Panic had set in; I was a bride on a mission. It was me against the world, and I was going to get my way, no matter the price. Let me tell you, these were not my best two hours.

Was I acting crazy? Yes. Was I completely aware of it at the time? Yes. Can I laugh about it now? Absolutely. Does my mom still speak to me? No. Just kidding. Of course, yes!

Silver lining: the other wedding coordinator was able to move the ceremony to a more suitable location that was actually more private. We saved some moola on the location by not having an ocean view. And most importantly, no butt cracks in my photos.

My wedding day was still not without its comedy of chaos, like when the hotel caught fire, but that story is for a whole other day.

So, that was my moment. My teeny, tiny, little, itty-bitty moment. Go ahead and find yours. Just make sure it’s worth it. I know that if I had to do it all over again, I would in a heart beat.

Tales From The Veil: Picture Perfect Proposal

Posted on February 1, 2012 by Alison in Tales from the Veil

Today’s Tales From The Veil is a fun proposal from Jordan to Alison! Originally from Chicago, Alison relocated to Los Angeles after years in a long distance relationship with Jordan. They met through a mutual friend, Jordan’s high school pal and Alison’s sorority sister. The couple enjoys going to new restaurants, traveling around the world (recent favorites include Argentina and Italy!), and getting together with friends. Alison and Jordan will have a Jewish wedding and have just begun the planning process.

The day before New Year’s Eve (so is that New Year’s Eve Eve?) meant an early start to the weekend for both Jordan and me. We figured we’d be home around the same time since we were both done with work at 2:00 or 3:00 that afternoon, but little did I know, he’d been home since noon planning the best engagement ever!

During a usual commute full of stop-and-go L.A. traffic, Jordan called me to find out how far I was from home, but I was on the other line and I didn’t pick up! Oops. I found out later that for 45 minutes, Jordan was sitting on the couch by our window watching for my car to pull into the garage.

I finally turned my key in the door, which probably made Jordan’s heart start to race, and I walked in the apartment, tired from the day and excited about New Year’s weekend. Right in front me, lining the hallway into our place, were rose petals up and down the entry way and 70 photos of us methodically placed in order from the time we first starting dating up until now. Romantic music filled the room. I knew what this was! It was finally happening! I couldn’t wait to find out what would come next! But, where was Jordan? I called his name, but he didn’t answer. Either I had a burglar who was very fond of me, or Jordan was keeping quiet in another part of the apartment.

I kept walking and finally found him sitting nervously on the couch. I think we were both just a bundle of nerves. It’s funny because we both knew this was part of our big, ya know, “life plan.” And we had talked about it so much, we knew it would be happening sooner or later. But on a day when I totally didn’t expect it, with a scene that was right out of a movie, the nerves took over and the adrenaline rush kicked in. That “oh my goodness, this once in a lifetime event is about to happen to me RIGHT. NOW. Must savor it all! Must remember everything!”

But of course, that never happens. It’s all so impossible to remember everything.

Jordan went on to say some really nice things. Add me to the list of girls who don’t remember a word out of the boyfriend’s mouth when he proposes. But the whole scene with Jordan down on one knee and my world turning upside down — in a good way! — in a matter of minutes completely messed with my memory retention.

Of course, I said yes! According to Jordan, he didn’t remember hearing it, so he had to confirm the positive answer a few minutes later. And if the decked out apartment and beautiful, perfect, and sparkly diamond ring weren’t enough, Jordan also had a cookie cake and Champagne on the dining table ready for us to enjoy.

We enjoyed the moment, toasting and laughing at each other and becoming used to our new titles of co-fiance. After about an hour, we started with the phone calls and broke the news to all of our excited friends and family. It was all just so… sweet.

Just in time for dinner, we headed out to one of L.A.’s best steak houses to celebrate. The celebrating continued throughout the weekend with a fabulous New Year’s Eve one night and welcoming all of our closest friends over for a toast another night. It was really the best weekend ever and I know that this year is going to be such a fun adventure. I am looking forward to planning a wedding with Jordan and experiencing the day surrounded by all of our friends and family in my hometown of Chicago. It’s already been so special; I’m excited to find out what else is in store!

I later found out that Jordan caught my entrance on video! The computer was facing the entry way and the web cam, which was pointed in my direction recorded my reaction to seeing the roses and photos lining the hall. Short of having Ashton Kutcher come out of the walls, I had my own personal episode of Punk’d except it was no joke at all! And the ring on my finger is there to prove it!

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Tales From The Veil: The Miracle of Marriage

Posted on December 19, 2011 by Alison in Tales from the Veil

So you’re married (or engaged, woo hoo!) and Chanukah is literally breathing down your neck. I mean, it’s Monday and we light the first candle on Tuesday night! Whether you have been with your special someone for a long long time or a short time, holidays do seem a little different now, don’t they? You and your spouse may have many reasons to get lazy with gift-giving. Perhaps it’s, “Well, we have the same bank account, so why bother spending our money on a present?” Or maybe it’s the “I’ve already given him ___ gifts (fill in the blank with a big number) over the past ___ years/months/holidays (fill in the blank with an appropriate number) so I’m exempt this year, right? RIGHT?”

Ladies, I’m here to tell you to stop with the excuses. As a woman who has never given her husband even one Chanukah gift over the past ten years, I’m going to give you some advice, and this year, I’m even planning to take my own.

In comfortable and wonderful relationships, sometimes we get apathetic. It’s like “Eh, another birthday? So soon? Didn’t we have December last year?” But here’s the thing. Close your eyes. Walk down Memory Lane. Think back to your favorite Chanukah warm-fuzzy when mom/dad/Uncle Pete/Grandma Dolly/Some Other Fabulous Relative gave you that special gift that made you go “Yessss!” Remember how good it felt? It felt good because you knew that they listened to you. They remembered and they made special effort to buy you the one thing that meant a lot to you.

So why not do that for your main squeeze? So what that we aren’t kids anymore? Who cares that we have bills to pay and share bank accounts? Part of the romance is the surprise and the “Oh I didn’t think you were listening or remembered!” I promise it’ll be fun.

So unlike the past ten Chanukahs where I’ve been too lazy, too cheap, and too indifferent to buy The Mr. a present, this year I’m going all-out. That’s right. This year, I’m doing it up big: one gift for each night of Chanukah. Each gift is special. It’s something he either has on his wishlist, or something that shows him that I pay attention. I listen. I care. Winning!

We may not go out for Valentine’s Day dinner in February, or take a special trip for our five-year anniversary, but this year, I’m shooting to make this Chanukah special for my husband. He deserves it. And nothing makes a marriage stronger than a happy husband.

Happy Chanukah!

Tales From The Veil: Crafty Kippot

Posted on December 5, 2011 by Alison in Tales from the Veil

I have one brother. I have one sister, too, but it’s the one brother thing I want to kibbitz about today. I bring it up on The Wedding Yentas because my brother is religious. Super religious. Super, super-Jewish-religious. All it takes is one relative, especially an immediate family member, to make you think outside of the box when it comes to Jewish wedding planning. Different food requirements, different clothing requirements, and different comfort levels were all part of my agenda to satisfy this important family member. While it was not my brother’s wedding, and he didn’t want any special attention, there were some things we needed to do to make him comfortable.

I started by saying I have one brother. It’s important to mention this early and often because when you get married, sometimes it’s hard to remember what is important. You get sucked into this little world of “it’s my wedding and I’ll do what I want” and it’s easy to lose sight of what is really a priority. While this is the most important day of your life, people can’t just let go of who they are in order to mold themselves into what you want for your one day. Let me explain more with a little anecdote.

I bought adorable velvet kippot back home in San Diego in preparation for our wedding. I spent a lot of time deciding what to inscribe in them. Well, as much time as can be spent on three lines.

Should I order them to say hubby’s name first, then my first name and new last name? Or my first name and hubby’s full name? Or just our first names? Or Mr. & Mrs.? Hebrew date only or the American date? Both? The city and state we were to be married? Or more details, including the hotel name? It almost required as much thought as my wedding dress search.

A few hundred dollars and lots of dark blue velvet later, it was set. Our kippot names would be immortalized forever. Decades from now, a family member would find our kippa at a random Bar Mitzvah (maybe for our child?) and think back to our wedding day. Just one little detail that seemed traditional and important to me at the time.

Well, things didn’t go as planned.

First, it turns out that as an observant Jew, kippot must be a certain size in order to be acceptable to wear. Of course, I had no idea and bought the small ones, not the bigger ones. I found this all out the day before we got married. In other words, 24 hours did not leave any time to make any real changes, or so I thought.

At first, my brother said he couldn’t wear it, which upset me slightly. But then I thought, “what difference does it really make to me? It’s really important to him, and I want to respect him and his religious requirements.” I figured he would just be the only one who didn’t wear the velvet blue kippa.

Then, it got really interesting. My dad and brother passed a Hawaiian Chabad on the day of my destination wedding. Day of! They saw that they had Hawaiian flower printed kippot. And of course they were the right size and everything. My dad saw this as win-win opportunity. When he approached me, suggesting that we hand out the new kippot instead of my traditional velvet kippot, I wanted to disagree at first, but I saw how excited he was to accommodate both my brother and my wedding day in Hawaii.

So, I quickly thought of the short and long term implications. On the one hand, I was losing something that was semi-special to me. On the other hand, wasn’t it worth doing one small thing to include my brother in my day?

So I made the big decision that any big sister would on her wedding day. We chose the Hawaiian print kippot even though my brother still didn’t end up wearing it (he says he simply forgot to switch his everyday kippa for the wedding version. Oh well!).

It’s funny because looking back, everyone kvelled over those Hawaiian flowered kippot and still do. Even I had a change of heart soon after our wedding. I love seeing them in our wedding photos and our wedding video. This simple act of accepting a last minute detail made the day even more special.

(Side note: recently while speaking with my brother about the right size for kippot, he laughed and said that four years ago, he was just being difficult and totally could have worn the velvet kippa as it was. Hindsight is 20/20 for everyone!).

And now I have 100 velvet kippot that we will never use… Who wants one?