Category Archives: Planning

Tick Tock to the Simcha: Part I

Posted on December 26, 2011 by Alison in Inside Scoop, Jewish Traditions, Planning

A lovely whirlwind of excitement and love follows a proposal. Once the ring starts sparkling on the finger, the bride begins to execute all of her wedding daydreams and turn them into realities. It all sounds fun and girltastic, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty, the panic starts to set in.

“When do I choose a rabbi?”
“What bridesmaids dresses can I get that fit the girls and the temple’s requirements?”
“When does the timer go off on my wedding gown shopping?”

These are all rational and normal questions and a little timeline goes a long way. Here’s a guide that should help you stay on target and keep your anxiety at bay. Feel free to plug in trips to your therapist on an as-needed basis.

12+ Months Before

Start imagining your ceremony. Do you want it long and traditional? Short and sweet? Are you planning to include every single ritual or are you leaning toward an abridged version?
Choose some preferred wedding dates. There are times of the year that Jewish weddings are off limits. Check out this previous Yentas post for those details.
Choose your location. Do you want the ceremony in synagogue? If you belong to one already, that should be easy. Or, you’ll have to search for local synagogues. You can also have your chuppah in a secular location. Think of a favorite place outdoors or get in touch with a paradise-like country club or hotel.
Start your search for vendors (photographer, caterer, and reception entertainment as a start) and meet with them to discuss their work. Matching your personalities with theirs is important with musicians and photographers because you spend your whole day with them. This is also when you decide if you want a kosher or kosher-style meal. When you meet with a band or DJ, make sure they can play “Hava Nagila” and are familiar with Jewish traditions.
Start researching and narrowing down ideas for an officiant who suits you and your partner. Whether it’s a rabbi, a cantor, a rabbi and a [insert other religion’s clergy here], a justice of the peace, or a friend, you need to know who will be facing you under the chuppah.

9 to 11 Months Before

By now you should have an officiant, so meet with him or her to discuss the ceremony requirements. Discuss the different traditions of Jewish weddings and decide which ones you’d like to include on your wedding day.
Confirm with your officiant or synagogue if there are requirements for clothing for men and women. Make sure to ask if there is a rule about covering one’s shoulders or if the groom must wear a kittel (ceremonial robe).
Coordinate with your temple if you plan to have an aufruf, the honor of blessing and being blessed before the Torah reading on the Shabbat leading up to your wedding.

6 to 8 Months Before

Decide what type of ketubah you and your partner want. Start your search for a ketubah artist if you’d like one custom made for you. Select your text or ask your officiant to assist you in writing your own. For more on the ketubah-shopping process, see our guest-blog feature by artist Rachel Deitsch.

3 to 4 Months Before

Get in touch with people who you’d love to be honored at your wedding with certain readings or songs. This is also when you should decide who will sign the ketubah. If your chuppah is hand-held, who will hold the chuppah? Is there a family member who you’d like to make the blessing over the challah or wine?
Make more purchases! This time, shop for and buy your wedding bands. Remember, according to Jewish law, you must use a simple band without separations or stones. For more details, see the Yentas post on ring requirements. Also remember that this requirement is for the ceremony, and you may still purchase and wear a more ornamental ring after the wedding if you wish.

Think about what type of chuppah you want. Does your synagogue offer them if you get married on-site? Do you need to arrange this with your florist? Is there a chuppah rental company near you? Do you want a simple tallit to be your canopy or do you want something more elaborate?
Book a rehearsal dinner site and make note of the final invited guest list. Also, secure your wedding rehearsal date and time with your venue and VIPs. Also, FYI, most rabbis will not participate in a ceremony rehearsal because they believe that the chuppah ceremony is sacred and should only be experienced once, therefore, they urge couples to save the experience for the wedding date. Not every rabbi or officiant believe this, but this is something to confirm. However, you can still have a celebratory dinner with friends and family the night or two before the big day as a welcome and get-ready-to-party party!

…To be continued…

Check back on Wednesday for the rest of the timeline so you’re on track to your big day!

Peek-A-Bouquet!

Posted on December 22, 2011 by Alison in Inside Scoop, Planning

Cake flavors. Stylish but comfy shoes. Seating arrangements. There are so many decisions a bride has to make when planning a wedding. Add to the list: bouquets.

Flowers are the leading carrier of your colors and theme and your bouquet is an expression of you. We’ve always loved the classic white bouquet that the bride carries while her bridal party carries colorful arrangements with complementing flowers. You can never go wrong with white. It’s beautiful and simple and… bridal!

However, considering a colorful bride’s bouquet is a photographic dream! Paying the money and taking the time to design a bouquet means that the arrangement should have a life of its own and draw some “Oooo”s and “Aaahhh”s, dontcha think? When the wedding is over and you’re officially a Mrs., your photos are your ticket back to remembering the most special day and you want to make sure you can really see the flowers against the dresses and tuxes that will usually serve as its background. A splash of color definitely guarantees that your bouquet won’t be lost in a sea of white.

So, today, we pay tribute to colorful bridal bouquets that have a life of their own and smile for photos.

Two Of A Different Kind: Planning an Interfaith Wedding

Posted on December 12, 2011 by Alison in Featured, From the Expert, Jewish Traditions, Planning

We are honored to have a rock star cantor guest-blogging for The Wedding Yentas today! Cantor Debbi Ballard of My Personal Cantor is here to unmix any mix-ups you may feel if you’re planning a mixed wedding! If the man of your dreams isn’t Jewish or if you’re still getting the hang of the Big J, you might be feeling some stress or confusion. Relax and read on as Cantor Debbi provides you some nuggets of wisdom from her many years of officiating interfaith weddings!

Congratulations! The day you’ve dreamed of forever has finally arrived, and you are newly engaged! What joy! It is so much fun to choose the venue, flowers, music, and colors for that special day. There are so many choices to make, and so many ways to make your wedding day a reflection of your individual personalities, and you are having fun doing it! Well, at least it was fun, until one of your parents asked you the “Question” –
Mother # 1: “Of course, you will respect your heritage and have a Rabbi officiate at your wedding…right?”
Mother #2: “Fabulous! I’ll call the Pastor! The wedding will be so beautiful in the church you grew up in!”
(notice that inevitably – there is just the appropriate amount of guilt inserted in Mother #1’s request….)

OMG! What to do? How are you going to pull this one off? Colors? Easy. Music? You knew exactly what band/DJ you wanted from the minute he proposed! Venue? A few tastings, and extra calories to work off, and you’ve got a hot spot. But, how on earth are you going to please your mothers, and make this ceremony a fair representation of both of you?

I cannot tell you how many desperate emails I receive every day from brides and grooms who are ready to pull the plug on the whole wedding planning idea because they have found out that the problems they encounter seem insurmountable, and they have no idea where to turn.

I hear from people all the time: “Well, we took out all the Jewish and all the Christian, and came up with a beautiful ceremony.” Great, but that pretty much gives you a civil ceremony. Certainly you want something a little more special (or faith-full) than that?

You both came from different faiths, and those rituals and traditions that you always dreamed of having are important to you, perhaps not in your every day secular lives, but your grandparents and parents are counting on you “honoring” your faiths, and you owe it to them — and to yourselves — to do just that.

image-courtesy-of-borrowed-blue-photography

RELAX! I know your hearts are beating fast and your pulse is racing just at the thought of the conflict this process is going to entail. But, with a little bit of guidance, and a few very simple rules to follow, you can do it!

Let’s get one thing straight: in the world of interfaith weddings, there are no rules! You need an officiant who will embrace you — a couple from two different faiths, and all that goes along with that. Sure there are Rabbis/Cantors who will tolerate you and tell you what has to happen, but then again, there are others who believe, at their very core (yes, this is me!) that love is amazing, and because it’s no longer a given that love happens within the boundaries of our faiths, we should celebrate the love and unity of the couple, focusing on what unites us rather than what divides us. Therefore, rules, traditions, rituals, etc. are there for us to use as guides, not hard core must-dos. Many rituals and traditions of a Jewish wedding have specific biblical origin, but they also carry modern-day symbolism that you can incorporate as far less religious and way more meaningful today.

Planning what that ceremony looks like most definitely begins with that awesome officiant who is creative and open minded, but also eloquent and able to handle sensitive issues and questions from parents and inquiring relatives. (So many times, it’s an aunt or uncle who proves to be the most “interested” in how things are going to look).

Each ritual/tradition brings with it a biblical/religious meaning, but also a modern-day, spiritual interpretation. You can include biblical traditions such as the Seven Blessings, the chuppah, and the breaking of the glass by incorporating the meanings and relevance to our lives today, rather than the strong religious connotations it might have originally carried.

Often, my couples incorporate the Seven Blessings, but have their friends and family read seven custom-written blessings, rather than the biblical translation. Or, when I am co-officiating a wedding, I often sing the Birkat Kohanim (Priestly Blessing), while my co-officiant leads the Lord’s Prayer. (Actually, the Lord’s Prayer is rooted in our Jewish prayer, The Kaddish, so they’re actually related!)

The important thing to remember about planning your interfaith wedding is that you want and need this day to be about your union, so you need to focus on the things that unite you, rather than divide you. From there, everything is possible to negotiate and navigate.

Of course, some more serious issues arise, such as the style of the processional, parents standing at the chuppah, whether a yarmulke (kippah, or head covering) is worn, and many other issues, but again, when you are focusing on what you want to create for your wedding, and making choices based on that desire, everything will work out.

But when it doesn’t, when things begin to break down, and you are feeling overwhelmed, remember that it is a day, not a lifetime. Have conversations about what you want your life to look like, and remember you are each others’ best friends. Look to your officiant for guidance, or enlist the help of resources like www.Interfaithfamily.com. I highly recommend Rabbi Devon Lerner’s book, Celebrating Interfaith Marriages, or just seek out advice from other brides on the web. You are not the first, nor will you be the last, but you absolutely can plan a beautiful, inclusive, and original interfaith wedding! Enjoy the process, and most of all, have fun!

After more than 20 years in corporate management, Cantor Debbi Ballard decided to pursue the passions of her heart, and combine her love for music, faith, and people into the most rewarding career of her life! Today, as a Cantor specializing in performing Jewish and Interfaith weddings, you might find her officiating a ceremony in Florida, The Caribbean, Mexico, or even on top of a mountain! Debbi is known throughout the world for creating personalized, spiritual ceremonies, filled with warmth and passion. Her deep sensitivity for people, eloquence, and dynamic personality, help her create wedding ceremonies her clients and guests remember for a lifetime! Visit Cantor Ballard online at www.mypersonalcantor.com.

All Inclusive Wedding Day

Posted on November 28, 2011 by Alison in Jewish Traditions, Planning

This is a very good problem: You have childhood pals you’ve known since nursery school and you have sorority sisters from your time away at college. You have a cousin who’s like your clone and you have high school friends who you are still in close touch with. And then you and your partner both have siblings and they’re also in your inner circle. Poor you! You are loved by too many people and you can’t possibly have them all in your bridal party. Well, you could, but not only would your processional be longer than your ceremony, but your photographer might kill you. (Am I right, photographers?)

First, pick your bridal party. This may be difficult because you really have to narrow down your fan club, but check out this recent post that may help you feel better about it. After you’ve secured a reasonable amount of bridesmaids and groomsmen, then think about who else you’d like to honor with VIP status.

Is one of your favorite people a good singer, speechmaker, or musician? Ask them to “perform” at some point during your wedding weekend. You may ask someone close to you to give a speech or sing a song at your rehearsal dinner. There might be a point in the ceremony that someone could recite your favorite poem, or sing as you walk down the aisle. Someone special could also do the motzi over the challah or the Birkat HaMazon, the blessing after meals, thanking God for the food and His support in general. You’ll want to limit the amount of speeches during your reception (too many makes it a snoozer!), but think of other special times during your wedding event that can include putting your favorite people in the spotlight.

Pick your ketubah signers! Typically, there are two of them, and this is a huge honor. Their signatures will be on your beautiful ketubah forever and if you choose to hang it in your home, you will be reminded of these people whenever you look at it. They are invited into the room where you sign the ketubah and this is usually a private event before the chuppah ceremony. I’ve personally signed the ketubah twice for my two best friends and it was a joy to be part of the official Jewish marriage portion of the day. Remember, the ketubah signers must be Jewish and not be blood relatives. Your ketubah signers should be able to tell your rabbi or cantor their Hebrew names, and can receive help on the wedding day if the ketubah calls for writing their name in Hebrew.

Choose your marriage license witnesses. These can be the same people as your ketubah signers or you can extend the honors to two separate people. These people don’t have to be Jewish and are there to sign the marriage license that you must have with you on the day of your wedding. Your officiant should mail it in for you, and after the wedding, you should receive the certificate of marriage, but you’ll need two witnesses. This is also a really big deal for the signers since the document makes the marriage official in “the system.”

For fellas who are close to the bride or groom, there is a job for them that makes them some of the most popular men at the party. Designate some hefty dudes to hold you two up in the chair during the Hora. This doesn’t always have to be an invitation-only ritual, but it might be a fun way to honor some men who didn’t make it into the wedding party. Plus, they’ll be in all the fun photos of the chair lifts!

There are always the more job-like honors: ceremony ushers, guestbook facilitators, and escort cards host. These really are more like tasks, though, so think long and hard if it’s more of an honor or a chore for the people you ask to do this. Depending on the size of the wedding, and the style and locale, you may or may not want to ask people to do this. Sometimes it’s not necessary, but you know your wedding and your friends best, so make the decision based on the facts. These are just last-ditch ideas.

Think outside the box, too! Perhaps there are fun and unique details you’re choosing to include in your wedding day. Ask yourself how you might weave in your favorite people to honor them and then create an exciting way to ask them. Hopefully, this solves your terribly unfortunate problem of having so many wonderful people in your life!

Destination: Married

Posted on November 23, 2011 by Alison in Inside Scoop, Planning

Planning a destination wedding sounds like an involved and complicated task, but if you’re hesitating about making your wedding a dream vacation come true, don’t. We want to soothe your worries and calm your concerns with a breakdown of things to think about as you plan your destination wedding.

It’s likely that you and your circle of friends and family are sprinkled throughout the world. Thanks to Facebook and other social media sites and applications, you are able to stay in touch and keep up with each other’s lives. But there’s nothing like face-to-face time and being together in person. A local, in-town wedding will typically only last one day, and that’s a short amount of time to cram in hellos and hugs with your loved ones. A destination wedding, however, usually spans across a larger chunk of time, so take comfort in knowing that you’ll have more than a frenzied day to make the rounds and spend quality moments with your posse. It’s like a group vacation with all your favorite people. Embrace this concept as you plan your out-of-town nuptials and know that your wedding will be an intimate experience for everyone!

Believe it or not, it’s likely that you’ll spend less money on a destination wedding. We’re not guaranteeing your bank account will have more digits than a traditional at-home wedding; we’re just saying that it’s very likely you’ll have fewer people coming which means you won’t be spending the money on meals and tables (which means linens, centerpieces, chair covers, and favors). Destination weddings tend to be light on the guest list and RSVPs because some invitees aren’t able to spend the money to travel to be at your wedding. Knowing this possibility, you can account for a smaller turnout than you would at a local wedding. This may be what you want to hear — or not — but you should keep this in mind as you budget your wedding elements and vendors. It’s possible that even with travel costs, depending on the vendors you hire, you may still come out under budget with a destination wedding than with a local affair.

To keep costs down further, you can choose to get married at vacation spot during its off season. Most hotels will have better deals and airfare might not be so sky-high (no pun intended… okay, yes it was). You could even score some better deals during the off season if you play your cards right. Just be flexible in knowing that weather may be against you, since that’s usually the determining factor behind high and off seasons for vacation destinations.

Give your guests plenty of notice! Usually, the rule of thumb is to send guests a save the date notice about six months out from your wedding date, but that’s if your wedding is going to be in town. For a destination wedding, you really need to give more than six months so that your guests can begin looking for the best travel options. Make sure to provide as much information as possible including, of course, the date, city, hotel, and even wedding weekend event if possible (rehearsal dinner, family picnic, beach bonfire, etc.). This is also the appropriate place to include a wedding website if you have one. We love the wedding wed-sites over at MyWedding. You can create personal sites with a wide range of thematic choices that represent you as a couple!

destination-save-the-date-cards

Get help. No really, unless you plan on flying to your wedding location every few months, you’re going to need someone to help you plan while you’re living your life far from your venue. This is definitely a time to hire a coordinator or, if you have a friend or family member that happens to live near your wedding spot, this is the time to be needy! You’ll need someone nearby to help you delegate with other wedding vendors. If you’re not sure how to go about hiring a wedding coordinator abroad, I’m sure your venue will have contact to refer you to. If you’re getting married at a hotel property, you can use the venue’s coordinator. Either way, this is when you’ll need a chief of staff.

Find the right amount of activities for your guests. You want to give them substantial reasons to travel for your destination wedding, so you may consider planning group activities like a canoeing adventure on a lake or wine tasting event at a vineyard. A beach volleyball tournament or golf at the resort are also fun recreational activities. However, it is your guests’ vacation, too, and you don’t want to bog them down with too much that they feel they have no time to themselves. Your wedding is not their sleep away camp, so try to cut back on the tendency to be their counselor. A couple hosted meals and an activity should provide enough group bonding opportunities in addition to the main event: tying the knot!

Register with a twist. When it comes to your gift registry, keep in mind that tangible presents don’t travel well. Breakables, fancy wrapping, and packing restrictions make traveling with gifts a difficult task for your guests. And then, you have to shlep it back home when the wedding getaway is all over. Does this mean you shouldn’t register? No! Definitely not! Register to your heart’s content, but make it easy on your guests and you! Our friends at Deposit a Gift have a solution for you. This cash gift registry is helpful because it gives guests an option for a gift that they don’t have to worry about lugging or shipping. They can just pay with their credit card and go! Gift givers like Deposit a Gift because it helps them give a nice gift when they don’t have a lot of time to put tons of thought into it because they are more focused on the travel logistics of actually getting to the wedding. The chances of a gift getting lost or stolen is possible with at-home weddings, but gift safety is even more of a concern at destination weddings where you don’t have your bearings. And a lot of guests wouldn’t want to bring cash or checks to a destination because of the same concern. Basically, Deposit a Gift is super helpful because engaged couples can show guests what they want to buy when they settle down, but not have to contend with shipping a bunch of stuff or registering to appease people, only to return it all. Deposit a Gift takes away all that hassle. We love great companies with great ideas.

Don’t forget, your destination wedding isn’t all about umbrella drinks or ski lodge hot chocolate. You still have the “business” side of the wedding to conquer, and we want to make sure you’re ready. If you’re getting married out of state or even out of the country, you’ll still need to obtain a marriage license. Don’t forget your passport if you’re leaving the U.S. either! Passports aren’t quick on the turnaround, so make sure to plan way ahead and give the office enough time to return your passport to you well before travel time. Obtaining a local marriage license varies based on the city. We suggest you contact the local city hall and find out what the process is to be a resident of your state and get married in theirs. Be sure you’ve completed all necessary tasks before hand; some states or countries still require blood tests or other health screenings.

Your destination wedding will be fabulous no matter where you are, who’s with you, and what it looks like. Because despite what it says on the plane ticket, your final destination is married!